Toxic relationships
Not all toxic people hurt you on purpose.
But that doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good.
How many times have you thought: “Maybe if I try harder, they will change”? Many relationships leave us exhausted, anxious, or devalued, even when the other person is not “bad”. Often they act based on their own patterns, traumas, or unresolved insecurities.
The problem is not so much the intention, but the effect it has on you.
What makes a relationship toxic?
A relationship becomes toxic when, repeatedly:
You constantly feel defensive or “wrong”
After meeting them you feel drained, anxious, or guilty
Your emotional needs are minimized, criticized, or ignored
There is a cycle of guilt, manipulation, or emotional instability
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), interpersonal relationships have a profound impact on our mental wellbeing. Chronic exposure to invalidating dynamics can increase levels of stress, anxiety, and even depressive symptoms.
Why do we stay in relationships that hurt us?
The most common reasons are:
Fear of loneliness and anxious attachment (studies on Bowlby and attachment theory)
Hope for change (the “sunk cost fallacy” – we have already invested so much)
Patterns learned in childhood: many of us internalized that “love requires sacrifice” or that “we must earn affection”
A meta-analysis published in Psychological Bulletin (2020) shows that people with low self-esteem or insecure attachment histories are more likely to remain in dysfunctional relationships.
What you can do concretely
Observe the effect on your body and emotions. After a contact, ask yourself: “How do I feel? Am I calmer or more tense?”
Set clear boundaries. You don’t have to cut ties immediately. You can start with “protecting your energy” (e.g., responding with more distance, limiting contact time).
Stop trying to “save” the other person. The responsibility for their change belongs to them, not to you.
Work on your self-esteem and your own patterns. Therapy is extremely helpful in recognizing repeated patterns and learning to choose more nourishing relationships.
Conclusion
Not all “toxic” people are irredeemable, and not all act with bad intentions. But you have the right to protect your mental health.
A healthy relationship does not make you feel constantly in debt, defensive, or drained. It makes you feel seen, respected, and stronger.
If you are living in a situation like this, you are not alone. Start with small steps: recognizing the problem is already the first act of care toward yourself.
Do you need support to manage boundaries, relationships, or self-esteem? The first consultation is free and without obligation.